I haven’t been posting much and I apologize. I’m all caught up in so many things that has been going on. The main thing is definitely getting my grades up in school. Also since the Cold Water Classic was going on, I had a bunch of work to do. I mean now I have a little break until the winter with the Triple Crown stuff. Not to mention doing extracurricular activities and planning on winter break and summer break things. A major thing is definitely getting accepted into this amazing film program during the summer. So again I apologize for not posting as much, I’ll post more when I have time. Hope you all are great as well!
My family is falling apart and the worst part is that I can’t do anything about it this time.
I will never understand math. So some random person decides to make up this formula for me to use to calculate numbers for what? To cause be pain and agony because he/she thinks that I will actually use this in real life. Yes, because when I go to see the Eiffel Tower I like to calculate the angle of elevation of the top of the TV antenna that is mounted on top using a equation like tan(angle) = height/distance.
11 years from today, I was on a plane back home. Suddenly the flight attendants freaked out and we had to land in Vancouver. It was chaos and all my mom wanted to do was get my baby brother some powdered milk so he would be quiet. I don’t remember much from what happened, but I still have photos from that day. All those photos were of me laughing on the plane and goofing off in Vancouver. It’s funny to see how when you’re a child, you don’t understand what is going on with the world. The world was not your problem. Now going up I understand what this whole tragic event means and why everything happened. Especially since my friend’s father died on that day. I never met his father, but I wish he could see him now and how’s he turned out. How he’s one of the smartest people at his school and how he’s an amazing athlete. I hate to seeing him cry on the day every year because it reminds me of all the other people who are suffering the same way on this very day. No matter, who you are I believe we should honor every single person who have been affected by 9/11 for their bravery.
My mom said the second worst thing to me today. This is what she said to me,
“In all that time you spend doing art and all of you drawings, you could have read 10 SAT books by then.”
I know it doesn’t sound harsh, but it goes along with what she told me when I was young. It was the worst thing ever. She told me I’ll never go anywhere with art. That pursing art will never make me successful. If she thinks she’s trying to help me by telling me all these things, she’s not. All she ever wants to do is crush my dreams. Sometimes I think she thinks that I’m the reason that everything bad happened to us. Like if I wasn’t born my dad wouldn’t have left us. That if I wasn’t born that she would be happy. All she’s ever done these past years is put my ideas to hell and telling me that I’ll go to community college and becoming some house keeper. All she’s ever done in my life so far is drive me away from my dreams. She says that I will never get into Columbia. She says that all my ideas are stupid, dumb, and useless. I never get appreciated for anything. I work hard. I am trying. I am learning, but you’ll never see it because you always think the worst of me. What did I ever do to you to make you believe that I’m never good enough. You hated me as a child, and I know it. I got yelled at and hit more than any of my other siblings. I spent more than half of my childhood getting thrown out of the house or standing the corner pulling my ears and crying. It’s hard to push forward when you always push me back. When ever I fall down, you grab my arm and throw me on the road I don’t want to go on. I really guess that I’ll never be what you expect from me. I’m sorry that I’ll always be the disappointing child that ruined your life.
Wow I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life and what it’s going to be like after I finish high school.
Same and being pressured by the accomplishment of the rest of my family is no help either. Everyone expects so much from me it makes me want to run to somewhere far away where there’s no one to look over me.
Fuck this man. I’m not over you.
I think I’m gonna puke after watching 50/50. I loved the movie, but it’s just the hospital stuff. I used to be totally fine with this and just recently I’ve been so scared of it. I don’t even know how the fuck am I gonna have fucking surgery later this year…
I sometimes think that if my so called father didn’t fuck up my life, then I would be less aggitated and more happy. I always wanted a kind, loving father like everyone else had. Whatever, if he didn’t fuck up my life I wouldn’t even be the person I am today.